


living is harder

by mirkandmidnight



Series: if/then [4]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Guilt, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Training, Meditation, Murder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Redemption, hopefully maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-16 00:52:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5806966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirkandmidnight/pseuds/mirkandmidnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn't like swamp planets. Well, that's just fine, because swamp planets don't like him either.</p><p>Alternatively: Kylo Ren visits a planet called Dagobah.</p><p>Shit goes down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He stepped out of the TIE fighter and onto swampy ground, sniffing the air and wrinkling his nose with distaste. The stench of swamp was not particularly pleasant, especially to one who had spent nearly the last decade of his life on sterilized star ships.

Then again, he'd known Dagobah would be swampy. The old man he'd spoken to had warned him of this, which was why he'd ended up ripping part of the tails of his robe off. They now hung to mid thing, and he was frankly surprised by the increased range of motion.

He walked a little further, looking around doubtfully. The old man had told him that if he was looking for someone to teach him the ways of the Force, this was the place to go. But maybe he'd been lied to. This deserted planet didn't look like somewhere a great Jedi knight would live. It didn't look like a place any sane person would live.

And anyway, all the Jedi were supposed to be dead. The First Order had been very careful about that.

And you, a voice in the back of his mind whispered, you helped them do it, you're responsible.

He shook his head angrily, trying in vain to get rid of the voice. But Luke Skywalker had escaped, he reminded himself, so it wasn't completely implausible that others could have done the same.

There were the right coordinates, he was certain, so the Jedi should be around here somewhere, right? He looked around again, then yelped as something skittered across his boot.

He scowled. This was ridiculous, what was he even doing here? Even if he did find this Jedi, that was no guarantee they'd want to teach him. Why would they? He was half a Sith lord already, there was no way they'd want him, he was only wasting his time and-

“A stranger, it is,” something small and green and glowing (what the hell?) said, and he jumped backwards.

He looked at it more closely and yes, it was a little green person in a dirty tan robe, he actually hadn't been hallucinating.

Okay. This actually wasn't the weirdest thing that had happened to him. “I'm looking for a Jedi master,” he told it warily.

The green thing laughed. “Heard that one before, I have. To learn, you wish? Why?” It paused. “Yoda I am called.”

He stared at Yoda, trying to decide just how much he could trust the creature. It could be a trick, or a trap. Then again, he didn't get the feeling Yoda bore him any ill will. Still, it always paid to be cautious, so he weighed his words carefully.

“Trying to clean up some messes,” he finally said.

Yoda looked him up and down, the look in his eyes calculating, appraising, almost. “Failed once, I have,” he muttered, seeming to ignore the other's presence. “Not again.” Finally he nodded. “Do nicely you will. A name, have you?”

His mouth fell open. What was he supposed to say to that? For some reason, Poe came to mind. He couldn't use the name of Kylo Ren, or his own name. “Dameron,” he blurted. “Ben Dameron.”

Well, he'd really stuck his foot in it now. Still, all in all, he supposed it wasn't the worst name he could have come up with on the spot.  
***  
So apparently Yoda was thirty years dead, and actually a manifestation of the Force.

Okay.

That was a little weird, but who was he to judge? He would just have to deal with being taught by a 900 year old dead green thing. Definitely not the weirdest thing that had happened to him. And apparently Yoda had trained Luke Skywalker. He'd looked at Ben so carefully after telling him that, almost as if Yoda was trying to gauge his reaction.

Well, he wasn't about to give him anything. If Yoda found out who he really was, the kind of people he'd worked with, it wouldn't end well. It just wouldn't. And using the name Ben had been a mistake. Every time Yoda used it, he felt a minuscule pang of guilt.

So he kept his silence as best as he could as Yoda handed him a bowl of what looked like a thick stew and tried to get him to talk about himself.

Eventually he appeared to give up, unsatisfied with Ben's (and it wasn't a good name, but he was just going to have to get used to it) monosyllabic answers. “Remember apprentices talking more I do,” Yoda muttered under his breath. “Too old for this nonsense I am.” Yoda turned back towards him, a solemn look on his face.

“Rest now you must, apprentice. Much work to do tomorrow there is,” Yoda said, and gestured towards a corner of his hut where lay a tangle of blankets.

Ben looked doubtfully at the corner, but finished his stew and curled up carefully in the corner. He practically had to tuck his knees into his chest and dammit, Yoda was definitely laughing at him.

He groaned and turned his back to the room, then closed his eyes.  
***  
His dreams weren't worth mentioning. Really, they weren't. He picked at breakfast, which was more of the green stew.

And then after breakfast, Yoda had him doing all sorts of exercises, running all over the swamps carrying rocks and doing push ups with Yoda sitting on his back.

“Up,” Yoda barked, hopping off his back. Ben groaned and got to his feet, cracking his neck idly as he stretched out his limbs.

Yoda pointed at the ground. “Handstand,” he said, and Ben sighed. He lowered his hands to the muddy ground and vaulted his feet into the air. The added weight of Yoda leaping up to sit atop his feet was a surprise, however.

He braced his elbows, but managed to stay upright. Ben huffed. “Why do you weigh so much? You're supposed to be a ghost, a Force manifestation. You shouldn't be corporeal!”

Yoda sniffed. “Apprentice you are,” he said serenely. “Much you have to learn.” He pointed at a nearby downed tree. “Lift it.”

Ben stared at the tree, his hair handing down into his face. “I can't, I don't have a hand free.”

“Need hands you do not, apprentice,” Yoda reported.

He returned his attention to the tree, narrowing his eyes and pulling his anger to the forefront of his mind. His brow furrowed and he concentrated on all the hate he felt.

The First Order. They had abandoned him, cast him aside without a second thought once he lost his usefulness to them. Not only that, but they had tried to have him killed. He would get them back for that; he would do it.

His parents. They had never been there for him; they'd sent him away when he needed them the most.

“Stop!” Yoda shouted, and leapt to the ground. Startled by the sudden lack of weight, Ben toppled, sprawling in the mud.

“What?” he asked, genuinely perplexed.

Yoda shook a finger at him. “What do you mean, what? Anger you used. Why?”

Ben blinked. “That's what you do, isn't it? Use your emotions to fuel your power.”

Yoda slammed a tiny green fist into his other palm. “No! Path to the Dark Side, that way is. Very dangerous.” He pulled Ben to his feet with surprising strength and pulled him back across the clearing.

“Sit and meditate you must,” he instructed, and Ben sat down slowly, crossing his legs. They stared at each other for a few moments of total silence.

“Go on,” he said. “Calm your mind you must. Then use the Force you may.”

Ben closed his eyes, placed his hands on his knees, and attempted to concentrate.

“Reach out with your mind,” Yoda intoned. “All around you the Force is. Sense it. Let go of emotion you must.”

Ben ground his teeth together. Yoda made it sound so easy, just to let go of feelings as if they didn't exist. He'd been so attached to his anger for so long, for so much of his life he just couldn't imagine letting it go. It was a part of him.

But he was trying, he was really trying to get past it and he couldn't, and that was only making him more frustrated.

“Concentrate,” Yoda repeated.

He slammed his hands down on his knees and opened his eyes. “I can't,” he snapped, glaring and breathing hard.

The old Jedi stared back at him, calm and implacable. “Go and split logs you will. Try again tomorrow we will. To think I need.” He walked away, leaving Ben sitting there and staring after him.

 

He stood and headed towards the woodpile, muttering under his breath, and picked up the ax. Ben kicked a log off to one side and swung the ax, splitting it with a loud crack. He grabbed another log and started again.

Crack.

_Crack._

_**Crack.** _

He kicked the two halves of the log aside and flung the ax to the ground, the blade sticking in the ground. Ben clenched his fists and let out a cry of unadulterated anger. Why couldn't he get this right? He wasn't doing anything other than what he had been taught! He sat down hard on one of the logs and fisted his hands in his dark hair. Anger was all he'd known for so long. How could he just let go of it without question? It was impossible.

But still. If he couldn't do it, he would be nothing more than an outcast. For his own sake, he had to get this right.

Ben stood again and picked up the ax  
***  
The next morning, he woke himself up early and snuck out. Fog was still heavy in the trees and dew clung to the blades of grass. Ben went to the clearing and sat, ready to try meditation again. He didn't want to disappoint Yoda, was what he told himself.

(He didn't want to disappoint himself.)

He crossed his legs, placed his hands on his knees, and concentrated. This was completely different from how the Supreme Leader had taught him. Snoke had emphasized letting your feelings completely overrun and control you. By contrast, Yoda seemed to want him to completely let go of his feelings, to not feel anything at all.

Ben frowned, trying to get more comfortable. Okay. He could do this; he could. If he didn't find a way to learn this stuff, Yoda might send away. And then what would he do? He couldn't go back to the First order and he wouldn't got to the Resistance. If Yoda made him go, he would be completely alone.

He concentrated harder, trying to forcibly remove any emotion from his mind. But it wasn't working.

“Awake you are,” Yoda said, and Ben scrambled to his feet. The little green figure was a large cylindrical sack over his head, and looked vaguely expectant. The sack rose and hung itself by a strap over a thick branch.

Ben glanced at it, then looked over at Yoda questioningly.

“Much anger you have,” he said by way of explanation. Which, now that he thought about it, wasn't much explanation at all. “Work it out you must.”

Ben poked at the sack doubtfully. “And I'm supposed to do that with this?”

Yoda nodded. “Hit it.”

He jabbed at the sack tentatively, and Yoda sighed. “Like you mean it. Anger you have. Use it for something you must.” Ben hit the sack harder, and Yoda nodded.

“Good. Keep going.”

It felt absolutely ridiculous, of course, punching a sack while a tiny green thing criticized his technique, but eventually he got into a rhythm, and found he was beginning to enjoy the exercise. The burn in his muscles was almost pleasant.

When he looked up, Yoda was sitting on a rock and the sun was high in the sky. Ben stopped, but Yoda gestured for him to continue.

“Relaxing, is it?” Yoda asked.

Ben nodded and stepped back from the bag, suddenly intensely aware of how long he'd been at this and just how sweaty he was getting.

“Practice for an hour every morning you will,” Yoda said, offering nothing in the way of explanation.

“Why?”

“Prefer to chop logs you would?” the other replied, hopping down from the rock he had perched himself atop.

Ben hesitated. “I thought you said aggression was bad, though. That it leads back-that it leads to the Dark Side.”

Yoda shook his head solemnly. “No, apprentice. Many students I have taught to remove emotion. The healthy way it is not. Letting emotion control you is not either. Acknowledge and accept your feelings you must.”

Ben took a few steps forward. “Who did you train?”

A shadow passed over Yoda's face and he suddenly looked incredibly weary. “Many mistakes I have made. Responsible for many deaths I am.” He waved a hand. “A story for another time it is, young Ben.” Yoda gave a half smile and an odd little laugh.

“What are we going to do now?”

Yoda wrinkled his nose. “Take a bath you will. Smell you do.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Force is hard to use.

It had been seven days since Yoda had given him the punching bag, and matters continued much in the way they had. Ben got up at down and worked out, then came back in and ate. Then he meditated and in the afternoon, he practiced with a light saber.

Not once had he used the Force.

When he'd asked why, Yoda had just shaken his head and said, “Ready you are not,” before directing him to do some menial task. Which, okay, was sort of irritating, but he didn't really have a leg to stand on with that one. And what was he going to do about it? Certainly he could sneak out at night and practice, but what would be the point? He had a sneaking suspicion that Yoda would somehow know if he did.

Not to mention, he needed all the sleep he could get. Ben worked hard during the day, chopping wood and doing maintenance on Yoda's home.

And he hadn't been sleeping well. He'd been plagued with nightmares since he'd left the First Order. Him, in the mask, flaming cross of a light saber in his hand. He'd been back at the Academy, the night he'd left. The faces of the padawans he'd slain stared back at him, hollow eyed and with blank expressions. Then they'd changed to the face of his father, his expression exactly what it had been at the moment he'd fallen. Ben could swear he'd felt his father's hand upon his cheek.

He had woken up screaming.

So no, he hadn't been sleeping well of late.

He told himself frantically that it wasn't him that had done that, that that was Kylo Ren. That Kylo Ren had been left behind with the First Order.

But deep down, he knew that wasn't true. Kylo Ren was a part of him, one he wasn't sure he could leave behind so easily. And what if, five years down the road, something happened and he just snapped? What then?

He tried to tell himself that it wasn't possible, that he would never go back to what he'd been. But he knew himself better than anyone.

Ben wasn't made for redemption.

Yoda appeared and interrupted his meditation. “Trying again, are you?”

Ben nodded. For all the good it was doing him, he was trying.

Yoda chuckled. “Good. Proud I am, apprentice. Let failure stop you, you do not.”

He got to his feet, suddenly acutely aware of the fact that it was three in the morning and he was sitting outside in nothing more than an undershirt and a pair of pants, trying to meditate. “Sorry,” he said, and made a move to go back inside. He shivered as a breeze blew through the clearing. Hell, it was cold out here.

Yoda studied him approvingly. “Much to do we have,” he said, and started off in the opposite direction. He stopped and looked back at Ben, then waved him forwards. “Going on a walk we are.”

He jogged to catch up, trying to ignore the sudden pounding in his chest. “It's the middle of the night,” he replied, but Yoda ignored him. Ben quickly fell into step beside him, completely at a loss as to where they were going.

They went through the woods at a frankly alarming rate (especially when one considered that Yoda was less than half Ben's height, what?) eventually stopping in front of the entrance to a cave, vines hanging down to form a sort of curtain.

Ben glanced between Yoda and the cave mouth a few times. Yoda looked utterly implacable, his face a mask in the shadows.

Ben felt a chill go up his spine.

“Go in you must,” Yoda said, voice calm.

“What's in there?”

He looked at Ben. “Only what you bring with you.” Ben stared back, feeling his heartbeat race in his chest.

Well, that was sort of ominous.

Ben started forwards, risking a look back at Yoda before heading into the cave. He pushed aside the vines and stooped to allow for his height. The inside of the cave was cool and damp, and he paused for a moment to wrap his arms around himself in an attempt to conserve body heat.

It was unnaturally quiet, and Ben found himself increasingly aware of his surroundings, twitching at every drip of water that plunked against the stone.

He ventured further in and felt himself getting nervous. What was he supposed to be doing? And was it just him, or was it getting darker. Ben frowned. It had gotten darker in here. Something clattered further ahead, sounding like stone on stone.

Curious and a little apprehensive, Ben went towards the source of the noise. The sooner he got done what Yoda wanted, the sooner he could leave this place. He stepped forward and found himself in a large stone chamber lit by a dark red glow that appeared to be emanating from no conceivable source that he could see.

Okay.

He looked around, uneasy, and so was caught completely off guard when something threw him forward. He stumbled, barely catching himself, and turned to find himself facing down Supreme Leader Snoke.

What?

The old man, who was somehow holding a light saber attacked, and he had no more time to think about how this was happening as he forced to concentrate on defending himself. Or rather, dodging, as he had no weapon.

Snoke was incredibly fast for someone of his age, Ben thought, gritting his teeth as he ducked. Not to mention unreasonably strong. Snoke tossed his light saber aside, an imperious expression on his face. Somehow Ben didn't think he was surrendering.

Snoke fixed his eyes on Ben's face, then raised a hand, lifting Ben off the ground by his throat.

Ben clawed at the air and kicked, trying to loosen the unrelenting grip on his throat, but to no avail. Black spots danced on the edge of his vision.

Suddenly the Force that had been holding him up vanished, sending Ben to the floor. He landed on his back, looking up at Snoke and gasping for breath. Snoke flicked his wrist, and he flipped so he was laying on his front. Then Snoke was dragging him backwards by his ankles with the Force.

Ben scrabbled at the stone with his fingers, trying to get a good grip. He had to get away, had to get away, had to-

He froze. On the other side of the cave was bright light illuminating a man's silhouette.

Somehow he got to his feet and sprinted towards the light, certain Snoke was hot on his heels. Ben skidded to a halt in front of the figure, a young man with curling brown hair and a stern expression on his face. His arms were folded across his chest, and one hand was made of metal.

“Help me,” Ben pleaded, but the man shook his head.

He looked back, and Snoke was gone. But in his place stood his father, leading an army of children. With a sinking feeling, he realized that he recognized them. The children from the Academy. He scanned the faces of the crowd.

Everyone he had killed was there.

The legion of the dead surround him, staring him down with their hollow eyes. “Traitor,” they called him, “Murderer!” The sound of their shouts rose and echoed int o a deafening roar that shook the cave.

And then they started getting closer, screaming all the while. Ben dropped, trying to make himself as small as possible. He clamped his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut tight.

“I'm not!” he screamed back. “I'm not a traitor, I'm not a murderer, that wasn't me! It wasn't me!” But they were getting closer and closer, some of them were only a few feet away, and their screams were louder than anything he'd every heard and they were only getting louder and louder and-

They stopped.

Ben's eyes flew open and the children were gone. So was the man, and so was Han Solo.

Unbalanced in his shock, Ben fell forward, landing on his hands and knees. His heart was pounding in his chest and he was breathing hard. Ben let out a choked scream.

A hand appeared in his field of vision, palm up. Ben looked up and there was Poe, offering him a boost.

Ben took it.

He let Poe haul him to his feet, let the momentum carry him into Poe's chest. Ben threw his arms around the other man, burying his face in Poe's shoulder and crying unashamedly. Huge, wracking sobs shook his frame, but Poe just let him cry. There was no questioning, no shame, just acceptance.

It was all he'd ever wanted.

Yoda cleared his throat. “Go you may,” he said, and when he looked back, Poe was gone.

Ben wiped at his face and followed Yoda back into the light.  
***  
Poe woke up in a cold sweat for the third night in a row. He vaulted into a sitting position and shoved his hair out of his face, breathing hard. It had been another dream about his time on the Finalizer. More specifically his interrogation with Kylo Ren.

He tried to calm his breathing and put his head between his hands. This couldn't go on.

“Enough of this shit,” Jessika snapped. “I don't care what you say, we're talking about it.”

He jumped back, pulling his sheets up in a vain attempt to shield himself from her. “Jessika! Where did you come from?”

Jessika sat on a chair in the far corner of the room. She folded her arms. “I live here, dickhead. And I've had enough of pretending not to hear you do this every night.” She walked forward and sat on the edge of his bed.

“Talk,” she ordered.

Poe stared back at her. “It's nothing. I was just having a nightmare.”

Jessika caught his wrist, her grip surprisingly strong. “”No. You were screaming. You nearly punched me when I tried to wake you up. So talk.”

He huffed. “Really, it's nothing. It was just about when I was with the First Order, they-” he trailed off into silence.

Jessika finished for him. “They tortured you. He tortured you. Don't ask how I know, Mac gets bored and I'm like 85% of her impulse control.”

There was no need for clarification on who she meant. The fact that Ben Solo and Kylo Ren were the same person was one of the Resistance's worst kept secrets.

“It wasn't his fault,” Poe argued. “They made him do it, I egged him on.”

Jessika shook her head. “I don't care, he hurt you so that means if I meet him, I'm going to punch him in the face.” She paused. “Also, he made his own choices. He chose to go to them and he chose what he did and you can't take the responsibility for that on yourself.” Jessika looked at him. “It's okay for you to be a victim. This happened to you too.”

She stood, brushing creases from her clothes. “Anyway, that's my input. Consider it.” Jessika started for the door. “Mac gets testy if I wander off in the middle of the night.”

The door clicked shut behind her, and Poe lay back down, thinking about what she'd said. With a sinking feeling, he realized she was right. Somewhere along the way (while he was defending Ben to anyone who would listen) he'd forgotten that he was also a victim. This was something that had happened to him and Poe wasn't going to ignore that anymore. This was his life and his mind, and he'd made his own choices.

So had Ben. Whatever the reasons were, he had still done what he had done. Poe felt anger roiling in his gut, tempered with guilt. Maybe if he'd been there for Ben, things could have been different.

But that was the past, and there was nothing he could do about it now. Poe couldn't keep torturing himself over what he could have done.

Well, he wasn't going to figure this out tonight. Poe rolled onto his side and closed his eyes. He had a lot of sleep to catch up on.  
***  
Ben sat cross legged in the clearing, the morning mist swirling around him. But he didn't flinch at the damp seeping into his clothes, instead concentrating on calming his mind. He'd snuck out early again, hoping to have some time to work on feeling the Force before Yoda got up.

His brow furrowed. It wasn't working. Why wasn't it working? He was doing things exactly as Yoda had instructed. Maybe he just wasn't meant to be a Jedi or a Sith. Maybe he was just meant to be a complete outcast, a failure at everything he did.

“Thinking too hard you are,” Yoda said, and Ben stifled a cry of surprise. One of these days Yoda wasn't going to get the drop on his, he swore.

“What?” Ben said.

Yoda shrugged. “Trying to hair you are. This much work it should not be. Relax.” He sat down next to Ben. “Feel the energy around you. As one with the Force all things are.”

“I'm trying,” Ben snapped.

He blinked. “Do or do not. There is no try.” He folded his hands. “Stop thinking you must. Be aware of everything, including your feelings.”

“But I thought I wasn't supposed to feel anything while I was doing this.”

Yoda waved a hand dismissively. “Working that is not. Try something else we will. Old I am, but stupid I am not.”

Ben shrugged, but closed his eyes and put his hands on his knees. Next to him, Yoda continued to speak. “Relax you must, but ignore your feelings do not. Experience and accept them you must.”

 

He frowned, but tried again. What was he feeling? Frustration that he couldn't get this simple task right, for one thing. And doubt. Ben was besieged with doubts. What if he couldn't shake off the influence of the Dark side? And foremost, he was filled with guilt, guilt for all the wrongs he had done. He had killed and destroyed in the name of the First Order, and he was filled with the fear that he would never be able to atone for his wrongs.

And that was okay. Everything he was feeling, according to Yoda, was okay.

Ben felt himself relax into a trance-like state of meditation. He experienced everything he was feeling and decided that it was okay, that his feelings were acceptable. As he did so, he became aware of the Force present in everything around him, its presence like pinpricks of light in the darkness.

And for the first time in his life, Ben truly believed that things were going to be okay.

He opened his eyes to see Yoda smiling at him. “See?” Yoda said. “Very hard it is not.” He gestured with one gnarled hand.

Ben tilted his head, raising one eyebrow. “Not very hard. Right.” But on the inside, he was filled with relief. Maybe he could do this.

Yoda pulled him upright by one hand and tugged Ben in the direction of the fallen tree he'd tried to lift earlier. He pointed at the tree's thick trunk.

“Lift it you must,” he said, sounding inordinately pleased about the whole thing.

He stared at it, at first uncomprehending., then disbelieving. He lifted his hands. “Whoa, whoa, I just started doing this stuff right. Are you sure this is a good idea? Because this doesn't seem like a good idea to me.”

Yoda looked unimpressed. “The only way to learn, doing is.”

Ben sighed, but turned his attention to the tree. He cracked his neck and stretched out a hand towards the tree. He dug deep, trying to find that peaceful state he'd experienced earlier. Once he thought he had it, he slowly lifted his hand.

The tree cracked and groaned, the force holding it down battling against the Force pulling it up. Ben gritted his teeth, straining to pull it upwards.

“Good,” Yoda said.

With a sudden snap, he felt himself fall into the meditative state he'd been in. The tree ascended rapidly, then paused in its flight as he held it in place.

Yoda nodded. “Good. Gently down bring it.”

He nodded, slowly bringing his hand and the tree down with it. It settled back into place, branches snapping and crackling. Finally it settled into place, in the same position it had been previously.

Ben lowered his hand and turned to look at Yoda. The Jedi master had folded his hands and was nodding slowly.

“Well?” he demanded, sounding far more eager than he'd intended. “Did I do it right?”

Yoda looked at him. “Much work we have to do,” he said, but there was a twinkle in his eye that hadn't been there before.

Ben whooped loudly and threw his fist into the air. He was laughing hysterically for a good thirty seconds before he was struck with a sudden realization. He hadn't laughed this hard in, well, forever. It felt really, really good. He grinned widely.

“Let's do it.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mos Eisley is literally the worst.

Chapter Three:

Contrary to what he’d hoped (but hey, who was he kidding, Yoda wouldn’t go easy on him) things only got harder from that point on. He still worked on hand to hand combat and meditated, but now he was also practicing his control of the Force (which included using it in combat) as well as lightsaber practice.

And there was no one else for him to duel, so he ended up fighting Yoda.

Okay then. That should have been fine, he was old and also a ghost. Except that it wasn’t, because Yoda was actually scarily good at this. He ended up lying flat on his back nine times out of ten, and the other time he ended up flat on his face.

Ben pushed himself to his feet for the fifth time that afternoon, grimacing at the new bruises on his ribs. The old Jedi certainly didn’t pull his blows, not that he would want him to. Ben was here to improve himself, after all.

He picked up the practice saber, in reality nothing more than a wooden rod with a handle, and fell into the Niman guard stance, face set in a grim expression.

Yoda stared back at him, a complacent smile on his face. He lifted his lightsaber and just stood there, waiting.

Ben made as if to attack, but then hesitated at the last second. The last three matches he’d attacked first, and look where that had gotten him. Maybe this time he would try something different.

He settled back into the guard stance, certain in his decision. Yoda raised an eyebrow. Ben mimicked the expression, but said nothing.

Finally Yoda made the first move, extending his saber to test Ben’s guard. He parried easily. Yoda took a step, and Ben stepped to maintain the distance between them.

“Good,” Yoda allowed, and launched a series of dazzlingly quick attacks. Ben barely managed to fend them all off, but they soon settled into a more manageable rhythm. He was still on the defensive, however, with Yoda pushing him back steadily.

He gritted his teeth against the force of the next blow and locked the wooden blades together. And immediately regretted that decision because damn, a ghost really shouldn’t be that strong. Ben needed to get out of this before he got stabbed in the eye.

Ben concentrated, getting into a meditative state, then shoved Yoda back using the Force. The older Jedi stumbled backwards, giving Ben the opportunity to yank his blade free and immediately go on the offensive.

He was pleasantly surprised to find that not only was he not failing at this, Yoda was actually yielding before him. Ben kept driving him backwards until Yoda was backed up against a tree trunk.

He threw a Force wall up around Yoda on three sides, boxing him up against the tree trunk. Ben frowned. Something was wrong with this picture; Yoda was smiling. What was going on?

To his utter shock, Yoda leapt up and over the walls of the box, landing behind Ben. He whirled around, trying to salvage his defensive position, but it was too late. Yoda shoved at him with the Force, sending him flying backwards.

Ben scrambled to his feet, just barely keeping hold of his mock lightsaber. Yoda ran at him and he braced himself, flinging his hands up to push back against the wave of the Force. He halted some of it, but the remaining power was still enough to leave him lying on the flat of his back.

He flung his blade up to meet the stroke Yoda threw at him, their blades meeting with a loud crack and jamming together. Ben gritted his teeth and shoved Yoda back.

The old Jedi didn’t go far. The tip of his saber was at Ben’s throat. He froze. Had it been a real fight, he would be dead.

Yoda nodded. “Good, apprentice,” he said, but Ben looked meaningfully at the point of his blade, which was at Yoda’s hip. If either of them moved, they would both be dead.

Ben grinned. Yoda looked grudgingly impressed. 

Ha.  
***  
“Time for you to make your own lightsaber it is,” Yoda announced the next morning. He dropped a sack at Ben’s feet. “Parts there are. Go and get a kyber crystal you must, hmm? Then put it together and meditate over it.”

Ben got to his feet, picking up the sack. “Are you coming with, Master Yoda?”

Yoda shook his head. “Leave Dagobah I cannot. Go alone you must.”

He hesitated, then nodded. He was strangely reluctant to leave Yoda, although he didn’t quite know why. Ben shrugged as he headed for the TIE fighter. It wasn’t as if anything was going to happen while he was gone, right? 

Right?

He made it to Ilum without any trouble and picked out a large purple crystal. Unlike his last one, it was free of chips or cracks. Which, now that he thought about it, would probably be easier to build a handle for. It wouldn’t need those side vents at the very least. That would be nice. Those side vents had caused more trouble than they were worth.

Ben had put together the handle on the way to Ilum, so all that was left for him to do was find some place void of the Force and meditate over the handle. He could go back to Jakku; that planet had been almost completely force-null. Then again, when one got far enough out on Tattoine, it was pretty void as well.

Not to mention he could make a pit stop at Mos Eisley and get the news from the rest of the galaxy on his way back.

Tattoine, then. It was settled.  
***  
After all the trouble it had been to get to Tattoine, finishing the lightsaber seemed almost easy. Ben had known he couldn’t travel much longer in a First Order ship, even though he’d disabled all the tracking devices. It was just too flashy. So he’d stopped off on a nearby planet and traded it in for something less noticeable. He’d been sure the buyer was suspicious, but they hadn’t said a word about it.

All the same, he got off the planet quickly, pausing only to fuel up the ship.

After that, getting to Tattoine hadn’t been too bad. He hadn’t run into any First Order ships, and had landed early that afternoon and gone out to meditate. After all the practice he’d done with Yoda (not to mention the practice he’d done on his own) he was pretty certain he could get the job done.

Ben found a quiet, open spot quickly and reached out, feeling for the Force. There was almost none, which suited his purposes. He sat cross legged in the sand, placing the lightsaber in front of him, and closed his eyes.

He considered his emotions. Guilt and doubt were still present, although the latter had lessened. Foremost, though, were his nerves about the lightsaber. What if he couldn’t get it to work? What would happen to him then?

He took a deep breath and the tension drained from his shoulders. It was going to be fine. He could do this. He knew he could do it.

Ben opened his eyes and picked up the lightsaber, ignoring the pounding in his chest. He breathed deep and pushed the button, eyes fixed on the air above the handle. Moment of truth.

A light purple blade pulsed into existence a few inches from his nose. Ben jerked backward, then leaned forwards. It was buzzing and humming. He stood and took a few experimental swings, testing the weight and heft. A wide grin spread across his face. He whooped and threw his hands in the air.

It was perfect.   
***  
The cantina at Mos Eisley was dark, loud, and too hostile for Ben’s liking. As he entered, at least three people glared at him (and he knew it couldn’t be because they knew who he was, what was their problem?). He glanced around, noting a pair of bounty hunters in the corner and made a note to avoid them. He hadn’t seen any stormtroopers, though, so that was something.

Ben approached the bar and ordered something to drink, then found a seat where he could easily eavesdrop on nearby conversations. The kind of people who frequented Mos Eisley weren’t the kind of people who were very sharing with information. Across the bar, a young woman in an orange and white flight suit narrowed her almond shaped eyes at him.

He glared, and she looked away quickly. Ben hunched over his drink and returned his attention to the pair on the other side of him, who appeared to be talking about him. Not that they knew it.

“Have you heard that Sith hasn’t been seen for nearly a month?” one said, eyeing the other. “That’s trouble if ever I heard it. The First Order will be on the hunt.”

The second one snorted. “Wake up, Iolo. Haven’t you seen them swarming all over the galaxy? Captain Phasma was here not a week ago.” Ben twitched. The other one continued, unaware. “But have you been to Endor lately? I was there and there’s a ton of stormtroopers. I delivered a shipment of blasters and got paid a pretty penny, let me tell you.”

The first one elbowed their companion and glanced at Ben. “Let’s get out of here,” they said. “We’ve got company.” The two stood and headed for the door.

Ben took a swig of his drink and nearly spat it out.. That tasted vile! He forced himself to swallow and wiped at his mouth with the back of one hand.

He glanced around the cantina and that girl was staring at him again, seriously, what was her problem? Ben flipped his hood up and her eyes widened with shock (or was it realization?).

She stood and started walking towards him; Ben stood and edged towards the door. Whatever Angry Pilot Girl wanted with him, it probably wasn’t good. He peered out the door and shit, there was a pair of stormtroopers right outside. 

Why couldn’t he just have a nice day?

So Ben did the only reasonable thing one could do in such a situation. He bolted. He vaulted over the bar and sprinted towards the back door, ignoring the shouts and muffled curses. The girl was still following, he noted with a grimace. 

“Kylo Ren!” She shouted, as if this couldn't possibly have gotten worse. 

He froze, one hand on the doorknob. “What?” he replied, like the total idiot he was. Then he flung the door open and dashed away down the alley. The girl was only a few paces behind and gaining quickly. 

He kept running, but the alley soon stopped in a dead end. Shit. Ben skidded to a halt and turned to face the girl. 

She had pulled out a blaster and trained it on the center of his chest. Ben raised his hands, ready to catch the ammunition.

“I’ll shoot,” she warned. 

“I’ll catch it,” he replied, lips twisting into a smirk. “Who the hell are you?”

“Why should I tell you?” she shot back. 

Ben shrugged. “You already know who I am. Besides, it’s polite.”

The girl actually had the temerity to snort at that, which was more than a little irritating. She took a few steps closer so that she was almost within arm’s reach. “Jessika Pava,” she offered, then punched him in the face.

His head snapped back and he pressed a hand to one throbbing cheekbone. “Shit, lady, what was that for? Like I’m sure there’s something, but can you maybe be a bit more specific? A punch in the face is really general.”

Jessika shook out her knuckles. “You really don’t know who I am?”

Ben’s hand dropped to the hilt of his lightsaber, but he didn’t call it just yet.If there was anyway he could get out of this without causing a scene, that would be great. And nothing called a scene quite like a fight. Especially a fight with a weapon that only two, possibly three people in the galaxy were known to be using.

He frowned. He was in a deserted alley, what was he worried about? He pulled the lightsaber from his belt. “Lady, I have no idea who you are.”

She glanced at the hilt nervously. “A friend of someone you hurt.”

He threw his hands us. “Fuck this, can I not even get a drink without angry friends and relatives coming after me?” He paused. “I’m turning into Han Solo, is that what this is?” Ben returned his attention to her. “So who is this friend of yours anyway?”

“Poe Dameron.”

Ben froze. “What?” He’d hurt Poe? When had this happened? He hadn’t even seen Poe in a month. 

She pointed a shaking finger at him. “Don’t try and deny it, Ren,” she said, spitting the last word like a curse. “You went into his head looking for something and you broke something and I don’t know how to fix it.”

Something clicked into place inside his head. On board the Finalizer. Poe had been there. So had Kylo Ren. There had been pain and screaming and Poe bleeding and looking like he’d seen a ghost-

Ben pushed that memory away. That had been Kylo Ren, hadn’t it? Not him. He wasn’t responsible for that. Was he?

Jessika seemed to have taken his silence as agreement. “Nothing to say for yourself?” She shook her head disgustedly. “I’m bringing you in. Let General Organa decide what to do with you.”

That shocked him out of his stupor. Ben couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t go back to the Resistance yet. He couldn’t face her. He pressed the button on the hilt of the lightsaber and fell into a defensive stance. Jessika mimicked him, clearly prepared to fight.

“Have to catch me first,” he said just as a troop of stormtroopers rounded the corner. They clattered to a halt, staring at the other two.

They looked at each other, both coming to the same conclusion. She was a Resistance pilot. He was not only holding a lightsaber, but a renegade defector from the First Order. There was literally no way this could end well.

Ben tilted his head. “Fight them first, fight each other after?” he asked.

Jessika shrugged. “Fair,” she said, then started firing her blaster. A feral grin spread across his face as he swung his lightsaber, deflecting shots and aiming for the weak spots in the stormtroopers’ armor. 

“Behind you,” she shouted, and he whirled around to kick a stormtrooper in the chest.

“Thanks,” he replied, and she smirked.

“If these guys kill you, that means I don’t get to,” she retorted.

Ben turned to see that a stormtrooper was sneaking up behind her. He paused, hesitation filling his mind. If he did nothing, his problems could be solved. He could get away on his own and no one would be the wiser. It was tempting, so unbelievably tempting, to simply walk away. It was what Kylo Ren would do.

But he wasn’t Kylo Ren.

Ben raised a hand, concentrated, and twisted his finger. The trooper’s blaster exploded, sending shrapnel flying.

Good.

Jessika whipped around and stared at him. “You’re rather good,” she commented.

He shrugged. “Benefits of a classical education.” Just as he said this, another group of stormtroopers rounded the corner to help their compatriots. “Well, that isn’t good.” There were more of the troopers than the two of them could reasonably hold off.

“We might need to get going,” Jessika said, mirroring his thoughts.

“What do you suggest?” he said tightly, gesturing at the wall behind them. The only other entrance was blocked by the stormtroopers.

She huffed out a short breath and made her way towards him, taking care to stay as much out of the line of fire as possible. “I don’t know, I’m just a pilot!” Jessika snapped. “I am the _least_ equipped person to handle this situation.”

Ben blocked another shot with the lightsaber. “You could have just let me have my damn drink, but no, you just had to stick your foot in it.”

“Oh, fuck off,” Jessika exclaimed.

He ignored her protests and looked around. The walls weren’t that high; he’d lifted heavier things higher. He’d never tried lifting people, but it couldn’t be that much harder, right?

He turned the lightsaber off and put it back into his belt. Then Ben swung an arm around Jessika’s waist, hooking his fingers in the suspenders. “Grab on tight,” he ordered.

Jessika took another shot and flung an arm around his shoulders. “What are you planning?”

“Something stupid,” Ben admitted. He pointed his palm at the ground and concentrated, pushing with the Force. They rose slowly, the stormtroopers staring up at them in shock.

Ben pushed harder and they rose more quickly. He did his best to steer them towards the top of the wall (which now that he could see it, was actually the backside of a building. Huh, Convenient.), which was thankfully flat. They landed a little roughly and Ben stumbled as he let go. Below them, the stormtroopers started taking shots again.

“What do we do now?” he said, getting his footing back.

She tilted her head in a gesture of consideration, then grabbed his forearm. “Run.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "An awful liar you are."

They sprinted along the rooftops, dodging blaster fire and trying not to draw too much attention to themselves. Ben scanned the streets below, trying to spot where he’d left his ship. Why did Mos Eisley have to have such an illogical system of streets?

They were approaching an open, crowded plaza, and drawing no small amount of stares. Ben winced. This wasn’t good. This was very, very not good. The roof was sloping downwards as it approached the plaza, bringing them closer and closer to the stormtrooper fire.

Something needed to change, and fast, or else they would both be dead.

“What’ve you got on under the flight suit?” he asked.

“Tank top and pants,” she replied, looking skeptical. “Why?” Jessika’s tone made it clear that he had better have a damn good reason for asking.

He grabbed her hand and pulled her to a seated position, both of them huddling away from the shots fired. “Take it off,” he ordered, and she raised an eyebrow.

“I can still deck you,” she warned.

“We’ll blend in better.”

Jessika huffed, but unzipped her flight suit and pulled it off. She grabbed Ben’s arm and they slip down the roof into the plaza. She tried to start running, but he restricted her to a brisk walk.

They made it across the plaza safely and ducked down a side street. Ben let go of Jessika’s arm and stopped walking. “So,” he started, “what do we do now?” He really wanted to avoid a fight if he could manage it.

She looked back at him, shoving her hands into her pockets. “You know,” Jessika said, “I should probably be trying to bring you in, but I really don’t think it would do anyone any good at this point.”

Ben felt a considerable amount of the tension drain from his shoulders. “Oh,” he said. “That’s, um. Nice of you, I guess.”

Jessika stabbed a finger at him. “It doesn’t mean I like you, it doesn’t even mean I don’t hate you. You’ve got a lot of stuff to answer for. But you can get out of here. Besides,” she smirked, “I don’t want to think about fighting that ridiculous glow stick of yours.”

He sputtered. “Excuse you, this is a highly elegant piece of weaponry.” But she just laughed and sprinted away down the alley.

Ben kicked at a rock and headed for his ship. What a completely confusing person. To have him almost under her power and then to just let him go? He had gotten lucky, but it wouldn’t happen again. The next person who came for him would likely not take no for an answer.

Or just not wait for an answer.

He shivered and walked faster. Suddenly, Tattoine didn’t seem very friendly.  
***  
Ben returned to Dagobah plagued with uncertainties. How had Jessika found him? Had it been a complete coincidence? Was the Resistance looking for him as well? He couldn’t hide from the entire galaxy and expect to keep his sanity.

Of course, that was assuming he had it in the first place. Ben still went into rages sometimes, but he supposed he’d come by that honestly. Leia Organa had a notorious temper. He could still recall fights between her and Han that kept him up late in the night as a child. He would huddle up under his blankets and listen as they hurled sharp words at each other. Finally things would calm down and he would drift off to sleep. In the morning, things would be alarmingly normal, all of them pretending that nothing had happened.

Ben Solo had been terrified.

He frowned. Ben Solo was long gone, and Kylo Ren was going the same way fast.

So where did that leave him? He couldn’t go back to being either of the people he’d been, nor did he want to. Where did he go from here?

He’d been Kylo Ren and Ben Solo, and neither of those had worked for him. Maybe now he could try being Ben Organa. Maybe that would be good enough.

The second he arrived on Dagobah, he knew something was wrong. It was unnaturally quiet, and he wasn’t an idiot, he knew no one else lived in this region, but there weren’t even birds calling to each other like usual.

He started walking towards the clearing with Yoda’s hut, nerves keyed up and a hand on the hilt of his lightsaber. What was going on? Had something happened while he was gone?

Ben stumbled over a loose rock and his gaze dropped to the ground. The clear imprint of a boot print marred the swampy ground. He moved his own foot to compare the size, wondering if it couldn’t be one of his own footprints.

His blood ran cold. The footprint was at least a size smaller than his feet. Ben crouched to inspect it more closely, and noted the imprint of a series of letters and numbers in the mud. RG-1392, it read. He stood.

A stormtrooper had been here.

Ben pulled the lightsaber from his belt and crept through the clearing towards Yoda’s hut. He knew it could be dangerous, that he could be walking right into a trap. Still, he had to know what had happened, and if everything was alright.

He sniffed the air, and was alarmed to smell something smoky, like charred wood. That couldn’t be good.

Finally he made it to where Yoda’s hut stood. Although it could more appropriately be termed the remains of Yoda’s hut. The small structure was now a charred, smoky ruin of what it had been. Ben’s heart leapt into his throat. Stormtroopers had been here, and they had burned the place to the ground.

He put the lightsaber away. It was obvious that they’d gone. Why would they stick around? The place looked as if it had been burned a day or so ago.

Ben ventured into the remains of the hut and poked around in the ash. It was clear that the First Order was still looking for him, and he doubted they would welcome him back with open arms.

But where was Yoda? The old Jedi was a Force ghost, so he couldn’t have died (again?) in the fire.

“Apprentice,” Yoda said sternly, appearing in front of him. Ben just about fell over backwards in surprise. “Honest with me you have not been.”

Ben went wide eyed at that. “What?”

Yoda levelled him with a look. “Ben Dameron you are not. Knew this before, I did. Tell me Kylo Ren you are, you did not.”

“You knew I lied?” Ben asked, astonished.

“Old I am. Stupid, not. An awful liar you are.” Yoda tapped his foot. “Tell me you did not. Why?”

By this time Ben had regained a little of his composure. “Would you have let me stay if I had told you? I was trying not to get killed by a potentially angry Jedi.”

“Nice, a little warning might have been,” Yoda snapped. “Burned down my home, many stormtroopers did. Known how to teach you better, I would have.” The Jedi took a few deep breaths to calm himself and closed his eyes.

Ben cut in. “Besides, it’s not like I was that dishonest. I’m not Kylo Ren anymore. That’s in the past, I’m not responsible for that.”

Yoda’s eyes snapped open. “Disagree with you, many will. And what about you? Stopped yet, have the nightmares?”

Ben’s mouth hung open, but Yoda continued. “Oh yes, know about the nightmares I do. Heard you wake yourself with screaming I have. In the past is it, young Solo?”

He pointed with one shaking finger. “Don’t call me that name.”

“Why?” Yoda said, clearly getting angry. “Think you because a new name and new lightsaber you have, behind you the past is? No. Cling to you like a thick fog it does. Try and escape it you can, but follow you it does. Lie to me you can. Lie to others you can. But lie to yourself, you cannot.” He paused. “Much to learn you have. Learned to accept your emotions you have. Now to accept yourself you must learn.” Yoda shook a finger at him. “Reckon with your past you must, or be crushed under the weight of it you will be.”

Ben stared at him. “Does this mean you’re angry with me?” he asked, hating the way his voice shook. If he’d somehow managed to drive away the only person in his new life who’d shown him any kindness, he didn’t know what he’d do.

Yoda shook his head. “No. Young you are. Idiot you are supposed to be, hmm. Concerned I am, for stay here you cannot. Find and catch you, the First Order will, and want that you do not, I think. Go you must.”

“But what about training?”

“Taught you all I can, I have. Knew how to use the Force and fight you did already. Taught you how to access the Force I did.” Yoda paused. “Teach you what you must still learn, I cannot. Come from inside you, it must,” he concluded, tapping the center of Ben’s chest, just over his heart..

Ben nodded solemnly. “Does that mean I’m a Jedi now?”

Yoda hesitated. “To be a Jedi your destiny is not.”

“But-” Ben exclaimed, but Yoda held up a finger, effectively silencing him.

“Finished I am not. To be a Sith your destiny is not either. Hard to see it is.” He squinted. “But content you may still be. Promise you that much I can.” He smiled at Ben. “Now go, you must.”

Ben turned to go, then hesitated and turned back around to face the Jedi. “Master Yoda?” He said. “Thank you.”

Yoda nodded, and then vanished. Ben stared for a long moment at the spot he had stood, then turned and headed for his ship.

he had work to do. If the First Order wanted to hunt him down like a fugitive, that was their prerogative. But would he make it easy for them? A wicked grin spread across his face. Absolutely not.  
***  
Jessika Pava approached the General hesitantly, knocking on her open door with one hand.

General Organa looked up from the tall stack of paperwork she was currently working through, a look of surprise on her face.

“Pava? Come in. How can I help you?”

Jessika entered the room, hurriedly closing the door behind her. “Ma’am,” she started, wringing her hands nervously. “there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

General Organa’s expression turned serious. “What is it?”

“It’s about your son. You know him?” She could have kicked herself. “See, I sort of ran into him in Tattoine and I think he might have defected from the First Order and started training with someone?” The words came out all in a rush.

Leia’s pen clattered to the table. “Tell me everything,” she ordered.

Jessika sat in the chair opposite her and started talking. “I was in this cantina on Mos Eisley, right? And I thought I saw him but I wasn’t sure so I waited, and then I ended up chasing him down an alley. And then these stormtroopers showed up so we had to fight them off together. I tried to bring him back but he got away.” She hesitated, unsure about the lie. “I may have punched him. It’s a blur, s-ma’am.”

But Leia didn’t seem to notice her slip. “And he didn’t hurt you?”

She shook her head. “No, ma’am. But there was definitely a point where he could have let me get killed or captured, but he didn’t.”

The general picked up her pen and composed herself. “Thank you for telling me this,” she said. “Am I correct in assuming that I’m the only one who you’ve told this to?”

“Of course, ma’am,” she hastened to say. “I wouldn’t dream of saying something like that to just anyone. Only,” she paused, ‘can I tell Poe that he’s all right? He’s been having problems and I think it might help.”

She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “I’m sorry, Jessika, but you can’t tell Poe. I can’t have this getting out, for our safety and that of my son. I truly am sorry, but he can’t know.” Leia waved a hand. “Dismissed.”

Jessika stood and saluted, her gestures stiff, then headed for the door. Leia, she saw, had returned to her paperwork. She shut the door and walked away down the empty hall. How was she supposed to keep this from Poe? How could she knowingly keep this from her best friend? Jessika spat at the ground as she stalked away, wondering how her job had become keeping secrets.

War changed everyone. She only hoped that when it was over, she would be able to recognize herself in the mirror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the end of Living is Harder, which means that we're officially over halfway through this series!


End file.
